Niggerish Establishments.

i really need to stop hyping shit up before it happens. it seems like every time i do? it comes down crashing.. hard.

for example.. my Mom had lined up a summer job for me in urban wear [this clothing store in the mini mall on Fort Bragg] as soon as i came back home for the summer. i started immediately the following week, but 2 days early before my initial work day carrying out a favor for Ms. Nisey. Monike, my manager, was showing me the ropes ahead of time.. blahzay blahzay. the next thing i know, Ernest [the guy who owns it] tells her that she can't hire anyone, because he can't afford it.

=|

my face went ultra "meh" when i heard the news. it was my first job like.. EVER, and i was so excited. i had plans on what i wanted to do with the money i was going to be earning.. now my ass has to look for ANOTHER job.. which i highly doubt i'm going to get since i'm considered a "seasonal worker", and i will only be here for the summer.

ugh.

that just sucks so much ass. now i'm super broke than what i initially started from. i really hope shit works out in my favor.. i'm tired of asking my Mom for money.

goodness..

if i only had my license AND my own car.. i would not be worried about these shit ass situations.

Regurgitating The Past.

lately, little reminders of Brad have been irking the fuck out of me. he's everywhere. like.. it's to the point where someone mentions his name, asks me about him, has a picture of him in a random pile, etc. and it just bothers me to no end.

i went to Pizza Hut with my Mom yesterday evening to pick up our food, and on the way back home.. i see his car in traffic going the opposite direction. i literally freaked out in astonishment. shit like that makes me sick to my stomach with disgust and pure anger. no one in my life has ever made me feel this way, considering how i haven't talked/seen him since January. the only reason i still get pissed all over again when someone mentions him, is that ties were not properly cut. his up and leaving with no explanation drives me practically nuts, and my emotions go completely awry. i really can't control my reactions.

i told Solis allathis weirdness when i texted her, and she said [and i quote]:

"he is just a figment of your past no need to further any complication of brad, your too good for him Anyway, till this day i believe that you were too perfect of a match for him to handle and he got scared of the commitment and the fact that yall coulda had that longevity type thing and he ran from u"

she. was. so. RIGHT. after i read her text, it made a whole hell of a lot of sense. of course i will never know the true reason from him, but it's not bad to conclude shit with the help of others. my silly ass was still trying to figure it out every now and then.. you know.. one of those random thoughts and whatnot.

ugh. i don't know.

i loathe looking into the past, but fuck.. when everything on the surface was kosher, what the hell was the problem on the inside? this feels like i'm biting into a jelly donut with coconut filling. i hate it. i wish the madness would just end already.. no matter how much i say i'm not missing him, but i totally fucking hate him at the same time. it just pisses me the fuck off.