Ahhhh.. Fuck You, July.

i think it's time for a proper synopsis real quick.. *clears throat*

my boys derek and josh left for basic training.
julian moved back to michigan.
brock's getting deployed on the 26th.
i'm in louisiana until the 17th.

my summer has been awesome when it comes to fun and shenanigans, but my last two favorite guys came in my life at the wrong fucking time. yeah, sure.. i'll tell myself it isn't a big deal and not really show it.. but.. IT'S A BIG DEAL lol

julian moved back to his home, because north carolina was making him miserable. he called me modest when i didn't want him to suffer here anymore. why keep someone here if they're not happy? but of course there's also that female that tickles his fancy. i saw that coming, but didn't expect to get a text message in wal-mart when i was a super great mood lol but shit happens, right? =|

brock is getting deployed to afghanistan.. and here's the reasoning behind my recent "coming to terms" [for lack of a better phrase lol] he came to my house i think a day or two after he came back from being on leave for about 2 weeks blah blah blah [at least i think so; i wasn't keeping up with the time]. he and his friend we there until a little after 11pm. upon him leaving, i'm basically shoving him out the house. i didn't like how he left the last time; he asked me for a kiss goodbye and i told him it fucking irked the hell out of me. he's constantly sending me battered and mixed signals. he then asks me to step outside with him for a bit, and we get to talking. it was mainly about how irritated i was with said kiss blah blah blah and how irritated he makes me when he finalizes shit between us.. but then hints he still wants shit broadband. this back and forth thing was driving me walnuts. he says he likes me, but just when i had something figured out and i was content with it? he'd say/do something to fuck it all up for me lol he then proceeds to tell me how great i am to be around, and how my personality just draws him in blah blaaaah.. he also used this confusing ass metaphor from the movie Wild Wild West [which i still don't really understand]. in the midst of all of that, he brought up a part of a conversation about me moving to california next fall.. and how we won't work and all of this crap..

the face i made was so priceless, there's not an emoticon for it.

his indirect weaving of his life into mine threw me for a loop. as nice as that sounds? how dare he like.. even consider the fact we could even be "together" when he comes back. it makes me laugh, because every person comes back a little different once their tour is finished. i don't want to be in the position of missing out on my own life when he's going to be over there trying to keep his in tact. he might get blown up over there, come back with PTSD.. or both. the softer side of me is scared for him. he's young.. i feel that way about anyone i know who's going over there.. and of course i'm going to still keep in touch with him.

ugh.

i don't even want to talk about him anymore, because a light sadness shrouds me.

matter of fact.. i don't even remember what i wanted to type about next..

i'm going the fuck to sleeeep.