I've Finally Gone Mental.

i had an interesting conversation about a topic i hate the most.. love. don't ask me how we came upon the subject, but i believe it's led me to be a little less harsh when mentioned.

i've only really been in love twice. why i loved them? don't know. i was young and didn't feel any pressure to help carve out a "perfect relationship" [even though they weren't]. i base how i feel on my level of comfort. that's always been most important to me. i can't love anyone who makes me uncomfortable; i'll be uber irritated and unhappy lol

however..
who i am now made me define my own definition of the deadly L word:

i'm terrified of losing him, as well as having him. i'm terrified of giving him the power to destroy me, and trusting him not to.

this scarily sums up how i feel about a certain subject at hand, but then i feel crazy because the foundational substance was solely based on convenience and coincidence. yeah, sure.. i can play the being single card extremely well, but majority of the guys i associated myself with were just fighting over the rest of me and helping out with the front i was putting on. totally insane, right?

imagine how i feel.. i've been silently losing my shit every other day. coming from a person who doesn't plan anything that happens, this is seriously scaring the fuck out of me.

i really hope it's nostalgia giving me the heebie jeebies, because if it's not? i'm signing up for some therapy.