Party's Over..

*turns music off*

*kicks everyone out*

*rips streamers off the walls*

*pop balloons*

*pours liquor down the drain*

*throws away food*

*cleans up*

*calls it a night*

the end of a party pretty much sums up what i'm experiencing right now. fuck. i had a feeling it was coming.. but not so soon; that's what caught me off guard.. Ced finally dropped the bomb.. and he said he couldn't do this anymore.. and that if he continued, his frustrations would build up..

UGH.

i hate crying.

it makes me feel like a complete girl [/tomboyish ways]. i couldn't even tell my Mom, because she called right after i got off the phone with him. that is just one convo. i'm not ready to face right now, because she's been pestering me about asking him what he's doing for Thanksgiving.. and honestly, for the past few weeks.. it's slipped my mind on more than one occasion, but not on purpose. now? i can kiss my Thanksgiving break for a chance to spend time with him goodbye..

*poof* and there it went.. floating along in the air..

what boggles my mind.. everything on my end was fine.. i didn't think there was a problem. i was completely happy. on his end? not so much. i can understand a person is entitled for their own happiness.. but then it kind of made me feel bad, because i can't make my own man happy. the most important thing for him.. i had to have his "mind" in order to obtain his "heart".. and i didn't.. he loved me, but he wasn't in love with me. fuck. hearing that alone hurts like shit. i thought we meshed together quite well, but he didn't think we were on the same page.. he wanted to go places i never been to, because i was never interested. he wanted to converse about subjects i knew nothing on.. he wanted serious conversation, and he felt i couldn't give that to him because i'm not "serious"..

*sigh*

if this is God's way of making me take a different approach in my life? this has to be one of the largest practical jokes he's ever pulled on me. seriously.. God is fucking hilarious right now.. he's cracking up laughing at me. i can feel it. he's a clever man. could Ced have been my sign all along? to stop taking the Rofl Express? then before a blink of an eye.. snatches it all away..

i do know one thing.. i'm soooo not ready to be his "friend". i love the shit out of that man.

i don't know how to make it out.. but enough about this.. i've had more than i can handle for tonight..