Vulnerability.

my name is rizzy.

i ain't perfect.

i work hard.. so i deserve it.

i belong right where you see me.. but you can't see me, because i refuse to showcase any type of vulnerability to anyone.

the capricorn in me won't allow it. no matter how much interest i might show in someone, it won't be 100%; my interest is shown in bits and pieces. it may be wrong, but i don't really give a fuck.

this occurred to me when i was talking to my mom a little over a hour ago [and of course this blog is for my venting purposes]. she asked me about broderick and where we stand as a "we" when i told her that my friends think he's pretty lame for whatever reason they feel. i've figured it out myself, and that pretty much every guy i've been involved with and that they met? they've always felt they were pretty lame.. but then again they do call me the oddball of the group.. so i'm guessing they're used to it lol

back to the vulnerability bit of all this nonsense, i also think they're confused about how i've managed to carve out my "relationship" with him.. and it's probably difficult for them to grasp, because they don't know where to put him. fuck that.. i don't even know where to put him.

i don't want to wrap myself too much around him, because i feel it's going to be a recipe for disaster. although.. i do like talking to him, being around him, etc. the disappointment part sets in.. and my guard goes completely up. shit.. i even find myself talking to other guys just to fill in the void of kind of preparing myself for when he leaves. even though we aren't as serious as time permits, it fucking pisses me off to the point where even if i were to inquire such a small step toward greatness..

*ducks down for explosives*

everything'll go kablam in my face like i normally does.

so, really? fuck it.

i'm going to have as much fun as possible no matter how confused i might become at times. i'm seriously trying to figure out where he belongs in my life, because i'd like to keep him there.. WHEREVER i put his ass. i'm not the type of person to shut people out who i think i mesh with pretty well..

fuuuuck.

i reallyreallyreally loathe the timing, but what can i really do about that shit? *shrugs*

*sigh*

in the meantime.. the fun shalt commence, and my ear shalt continue to listen for bumps in the road.