Sickening.

i don't know what it is with me these days. i'm a silent emotional wreck. it's like.. i know WHY, but i utterly refuse to come to terms with it.

my dreams have basically been my mental tomb. sleep has been the last thing on my mind to the point where i fight it until i lose. it's not healthy, i know. try telling my body that. there's also an odd edge of excitement. i'll have a superb surge of energy one moment, and then be completely drained the next..

i don't know what the fuck's causing this.

there's too much shit going on with me and the future forward progression of my life that i can't seem to calm the hell down while keeping my cool.

i hope my indirect advances give me the answers i need. i want to sleep good again, and not have too much stress on my conscious.

NBA + Fall Break + Solis' 21st Birthday.

this week is going to be so fucking EPIC.

solis is FINALLY 21.
i'm going to a pre-season NBA game to see the Bobcats vs. Thunder tomorrow night.
i finished majority of my midterms since my Marketing exam is postponed until next Thursday.

i must say..

life is fucking sweeeet.. well, with the exception of my love life lmao
my mind constantly changes of what i'd like to have and what i'd want.
yes.. i know. i'm indecisive. i have every reason to be.. but then i have recently let someone who doesn't matter anymore get to me.. and booooy did he get under my skin in such a short amount of time.

this is the 2nd time that's happened to me, and i've been single since February 2009 =|

i already have something like.. an invisible placeholder for someone, but my feelings for him get intertwined with my feelings for another guy.. and then i get all compromised, and THEN i'm an emotional mess. it's fucking frustrating. the funny thing about both of them? I. CAN'T. HAVE. THEM.

it pisses me ooooff! i don't even want to continue this, because i have always had this horrible habit of meeting great guys [since last year] who have issues, come in my life at the wrong time, in a relationship, have lived with chick, blah blah blah shenanigans. i think there's something about me that needs to change..

..but i don't know what the fuck it is.

it can't be who i am, my looks OR my personality, because apparently that's what draws guys in. i can't put my finger on it, but i hope i get an answer soon. an ex-boyfriend indirectly pointed out the significance of my upcoming age [coming soon], and it made me realize that my fun time is really running it's course.

i think it's time i get a little more serious about the men i deal with. casual shenanigans are fine, but that fucking shit is really getting old.

Summartry.

well holy hell on a corn dildo, summer 2010.. i'm a fucking senior in college.

classes started on august 23rd and 2 weeks of the school year have already went by. the course load was easily dumped onto my chest with no hesitation from professors.. but i love it.

speaking of hesitation.. i'm already trying not to blank out so soon. Mr. Leo already has us prepping for our Senior Exhibition and he's got us writing a proposal for him. i never thought putting my idea into words for another mind to understand would be so difficult. the excitement and anxiousness of the exhibit and the work that's going to be behind it has me on edge. i just hope i can convey my same excitement for my idea on paper like i can in person =/

in the meantime, i'm going to go back to my shenanigans.. i just felt like updating just a little bit.

it's better than nothing.

I've Finally Gone Mental.

i had an interesting conversation about a topic i hate the most.. love. don't ask me how we came upon the subject, but i believe it's led me to be a little less harsh when mentioned.

i've only really been in love twice. why i loved them? don't know. i was young and didn't feel any pressure to help carve out a "perfect relationship" [even though they weren't]. i base how i feel on my level of comfort. that's always been most important to me. i can't love anyone who makes me uncomfortable; i'll be uber irritated and unhappy lol

however..
who i am now made me define my own definition of the deadly L word:

i'm terrified of losing him, as well as having him. i'm terrified of giving him the power to destroy me, and trusting him not to.

this scarily sums up how i feel about a certain subject at hand, but then i feel crazy because the foundational substance was solely based on convenience and coincidence. yeah, sure.. i can play the being single card extremely well, but majority of the guys i associated myself with were just fighting over the rest of me and helping out with the front i was putting on. totally insane, right?

imagine how i feel.. i've been silently losing my shit every other day. coming from a person who doesn't plan anything that happens, this is seriously scaring the fuck out of me.

i really hope it's nostalgia giving me the heebie jeebies, because if it's not? i'm signing up for some therapy.

Ahhhh.. Fuck You, July.

i think it's time for a proper synopsis real quick.. *clears throat*

my boys derek and josh left for basic training.
julian moved back to michigan.
brock's getting deployed on the 26th.
i'm in louisiana until the 17th.

my summer has been awesome when it comes to fun and shenanigans, but my last two favorite guys came in my life at the wrong fucking time. yeah, sure.. i'll tell myself it isn't a big deal and not really show it.. but.. IT'S A BIG DEAL lol

julian moved back to his home, because north carolina was making him miserable. he called me modest when i didn't want him to suffer here anymore. why keep someone here if they're not happy? but of course there's also that female that tickles his fancy. i saw that coming, but didn't expect to get a text message in wal-mart when i was a super great mood lol but shit happens, right? =|

brock is getting deployed to afghanistan.. and here's the reasoning behind my recent "coming to terms" [for lack of a better phrase lol] he came to my house i think a day or two after he came back from being on leave for about 2 weeks blah blah blah [at least i think so; i wasn't keeping up with the time]. he and his friend we there until a little after 11pm. upon him leaving, i'm basically shoving him out the house. i didn't like how he left the last time; he asked me for a kiss goodbye and i told him it fucking irked the hell out of me. he's constantly sending me battered and mixed signals. he then asks me to step outside with him for a bit, and we get to talking. it was mainly about how irritated i was with said kiss blah blah blah and how irritated he makes me when he finalizes shit between us.. but then hints he still wants shit broadband. this back and forth thing was driving me walnuts. he says he likes me, but just when i had something figured out and i was content with it? he'd say/do something to fuck it all up for me lol he then proceeds to tell me how great i am to be around, and how my personality just draws him in blah blaaaah.. he also used this confusing ass metaphor from the movie Wild Wild West [which i still don't really understand]. in the midst of all of that, he brought up a part of a conversation about me moving to california next fall.. and how we won't work and all of this crap..

the face i made was so priceless, there's not an emoticon for it.

his indirect weaving of his life into mine threw me for a loop. as nice as that sounds? how dare he like.. even consider the fact we could even be "together" when he comes back. it makes me laugh, because every person comes back a little different once their tour is finished. i don't want to be in the position of missing out on my own life when he's going to be over there trying to keep his in tact. he might get blown up over there, come back with PTSD.. or both. the softer side of me is scared for him. he's young.. i feel that way about anyone i know who's going over there.. and of course i'm going to still keep in touch with him.

ugh.

i don't even want to talk about him anymore, because a light sadness shrouds me.

matter of fact.. i don't even remember what i wanted to type about next..

i'm going the fuck to sleeeep.

I Hate Valentine's Day.

Genevieve Gernier.

who is that woman, you ask? she is my newly discovered a-alike when it comes to female movie characters. how she went about relationships is exactly the same way i go about my "love-life" lol

she said something during the course of the movie that i fell in love with: no expectations. no disappointment. no guilt. no hurt. just fun.. good sex.. and good company.

that speaks in such volumes, it's ridiculous.. or maybe it's because of who i've grown into within the past two years. i don't know? but i like it! lol honestly though, i was pretty close to practically throwing away everything i stood for when it came to the art of mush recently. jeter doesn't know it yet, but he's my future husband lmao jk but lord knows i hate showing the softer side of me when not needed or even acknowledging the fact that i like someone. it takes a chunk out of my ego, because you don't know how people are going to handle.. let alone interpret a piece of you.

i'm an unconventional young woman.. but my male peers aren't on my level of unorthodoxed-ness lmaoooo

but as much as i talk about me and how i handle guys? i'm always learning something new.. or erasing something i do away from my actions. it takes so little for me to say "fuck it", and move on. i don't even need closure at this point.. or probably EVER again.

eh.

enough about me, and i'm going to get to this interestingly interesting friday night..

*laughs evilly*

Unrequited.

i really hate being in situations where there's something in my grasp, but nature is working against me and not for me. i feel kind of defeated sometimes.. like i'm not doing enough from a distance with what i have.

*sigh*

i guess it's time i can embellish on mr. jeter.
he's moving back to michigan. i'm sad.

THE. END.

okay. i was totally kidding with that lol but seriously? he's worth the wait. it just would have been super selfish of me to have him stay in north carolina when he wasn't happy, and didn't have any family to back him up.

talking about him makes me happy and sad all at the same time, so i'm going to continue watching T.V. now lol

Untitled.

i'm in one of those moods where shit is happening too quick, and i have NO. IDEA. on how to cope with everything. it's nothing bad, but more along the lines of going through the motions of dealing with certain emotions.

it's not often i let things get to me, and once something does? it bugs the fuck out of me lol i don't dwell on anything, but reflection plays a large part in any decision i make. i think of short term longevity.. and what i mean by that is whatever i experience will always be apart of me, but i have a choice to put it in the back of my mind.

i've said this before, and i'll say it again..

there's a lot of shit i say that i don't really mean based on what i'm told. majority of the time? i'm being sarcastically facetious. i could be happy for you or i could be annoyed for knowing. shenanigans have been ensuing based on simple facts i don't need to know. it's irritating, because for one? i can't do the shit i'd like to handle the situation. i will take charge in a heartbeat. i hold my tongue and actions in place out of respect, and the information i already do know..

but what i do know? this crutch will be removed soon, but i have no clue why i still sort of need it for balance..

Summer 2010.

it's official.

i've been home for 2 weeks, and i'm a senior in college! all my grades were posted on banner, and i finally got my 90 hours. i've been behind 6 hours since i was a freshman for 3 semesters. that was the worst position i ever put myself in.. but i'm back on track to graduate on time!

SPRING 2011 ain't ready.. AIN'T. READY.

in the meantime, i'm going to enjoy my summer to it's full extent.. and with shenanigans in tow. i plan on doing a lot, but first i need to work on obtaining a cash flow. i got things to do and people to see.. especially mr. jeter and his sexy self, but that's another story =]

My Purpose.

i swear.. the shit i do for hip-hop. i guess that's why i'm a master at being patient. god wanted me to be an artist, because he didn't want me to rap or be a DJ. he's torturing me by making me just a fan.

i've figured it out.

he molded me into this crazed, hip-hop fan.. but i can't craftily be involved in it. my mind is a jukebox.

beats haunt me.
bars comfort me.
an emcee with an awesome cadence is like a lullaby.

April ChopsChops.

holy shit. i just realized it's already the 12th of april.. better known as the end is near! for school, that is. i will be happy when this semester is over with. i'm so fucking ready for summer.

IT'S. NOT. A. GAME.

my intentions of this blog were to include the details of my easter break, but i think spark notes will do right quick.. shall we?

it involved hooking up, alcohol, clubbing, eating delicious food, and other shit i don't feel like typing lol also? i gained something kind of awesome, and demoted something that was strictly fun. i will miss it. however, i'm not strung out. i am a little surprised at myself, too. long story short.. i'm taking shit better than i thought i would hahaha God.. I LOVE ME.

it's to the point now where it's an understanding AND there won't be a strain on broderick and i's "re-discovered" friendship. in a way? sex didn't really complicate us, but it [insert word to describe situation]. i can't put my finger on it, but it's one of those things where only the people involved can explain it. this is going to be interesting lmaoooo

in other news.. there's this guy in oxford.. and that's all i'm saying, because i haven't talked to him in about 2 days. i'll be secretly happy when he gets a new phone.

okay.. i think i'm done with tonight's bloggature.. i got a paper to type for digital photography =]

The Easter Beagle.

as well all know [thanks to utter confusion and excitement], easter falls extremely early this year. with that being said? i'm totally excited for that charlie brown special they air every year! yes, i am a big fucking kid.. no, i don't care that you're looking at me funny lol

in the meantime amongst all the easter business, my mommy's 42nd birthday is on thursday! i can't wait to hype her up, and most of all? tell her how hawt she is for a woman her age. this is just going to be another year where people [and men especially] will believe she's younger than what she really is lol

Seared Foie Gras W/ Shenanigans.

i'm in the center of a large plate, and i can't escape the steak sauce. it keeps inching closer and closer. with that being said, i'm just going to stop any forward conversation anyone ever asks me about broderick. his confusion confuses me no matter what i may have said, acted upon, etc. lol

people you never thought you'd be attracted to are not suppose to be this much of a handful lol nope. i don't regret shit; i never do. however, i'm rather annoyed at knowing he's no longer "single". keeping up with his relationship status is like running with weights on your shoulders =|

i'm quite entertained, though. out of respect for him AND his relationship, i'm not going to do/say anything unless he does/says something first. i'm going back to my "original" plan.. and it worked until he told me whatever he told me, which i'm not going to get into right now; we just talked about different shit on numerous occasions hahaha

What A Chilling Chronicle, Comrade.

i'm going to take this moment to seriously laugh at myself..

*proceeds to die of laughter*

apparently i took my previous bloggature completely out of context.. including the information i got. however, it wasn't initially my fault.. so it's okay lmao

as i'm getting to the point of things, that genius felt the need to give me what he calls a "long range heads up"; who the fuck does that nonsense? lol =|

i'm not even going to be here next year to even care whether or not he gets married.. and if i am? what the fuck does that still have to do with me? lmao oh my shit bucket.. men are fucking retarded sometimes. i just know only one thing now.. i'm going to keep my distance without really keeping my distance. the more i talk to a dude who already knows i'm feeling them? the moooore i like them.. and that's one pickle i'm not trying to place myself in.

i'm not trying to be sappy when he deploys and shit.. FUCK. THAT. y'all have no idea how much of a lauce that would be on my end.

that shit is no bueno.

Spoken To Exist.

last night's entry?
rofflemywoffle.

guess who's getting married? *points to man mentioned in previous entry*

guess who's turned off? *points to self*

that settles this entry. it's hilarious, too. i dislike talking people up, and BOOM. i wasn't prepared for that. NOT. AT. ALL.

oh well.. he called me earlier when i was in class, and i have yet to call him back. i've been a little tied up tonight doing absolutely nothing lmao

Vulnerability.

my name is rizzy.

i ain't perfect.

i work hard.. so i deserve it.

i belong right where you see me.. but you can't see me, because i refuse to showcase any type of vulnerability to anyone.

the capricorn in me won't allow it. no matter how much interest i might show in someone, it won't be 100%; my interest is shown in bits and pieces. it may be wrong, but i don't really give a fuck.

this occurred to me when i was talking to my mom a little over a hour ago [and of course this blog is for my venting purposes]. she asked me about broderick and where we stand as a "we" when i told her that my friends think he's pretty lame for whatever reason they feel. i've figured it out myself, and that pretty much every guy i've been involved with and that they met? they've always felt they were pretty lame.. but then again they do call me the oddball of the group.. so i'm guessing they're used to it lol

back to the vulnerability bit of all this nonsense, i also think they're confused about how i've managed to carve out my "relationship" with him.. and it's probably difficult for them to grasp, because they don't know where to put him. fuck that.. i don't even know where to put him.

i don't want to wrap myself too much around him, because i feel it's going to be a recipe for disaster. although.. i do like talking to him, being around him, etc. the disappointment part sets in.. and my guard goes completely up. shit.. i even find myself talking to other guys just to fill in the void of kind of preparing myself for when he leaves. even though we aren't as serious as time permits, it fucking pisses me off to the point where even if i were to inquire such a small step toward greatness..

*ducks down for explosives*

everything'll go kablam in my face like i normally does.

so, really? fuck it.

i'm going to have as much fun as possible no matter how confused i might become at times. i'm seriously trying to figure out where he belongs in my life, because i'd like to keep him there.. WHEREVER i put his ass. i'm not the type of person to shut people out who i think i mesh with pretty well..

fuuuuck.

i reallyreallyreally loathe the timing, but what can i really do about that shit? *shrugs*

*sigh*

in the meantime.. the fun shalt commence, and my ear shalt continue to listen for bumps in the road.

Fuck Boys.

fuck boy (n): boy who happens to obtain infinite amounts of fuck within their being.

i seriously dislike these type of dudes. why? THEY'RE. FUCKING. RETARDED.

majority of the time? this is the main reason why i don't tell my folks who i'm caking with; they don't need to know about every guy.. especially if their fuckedupness drives me toward the lane of disinterest, and i lose interest very quickly.

i felt the need to share this, because i've been highly irritated for about majority of the day trying to take care of shit.. and juggle these shenanigans called men =|

yes. i said men.

these options are killing me lmao

Growing Roster.

i have no idea what it is, but dudes love me. i know i'm awesome, but damn.. i find myself in another interesting situation of juggling, but only this time? THREE. DIFFERENT. GUYS. last summer, and going into the fall wasn't a success; they only lasted for a season, so it's obvious i'm not talking to them anymore..

moving on..

i want to thank solis for teaching me well all these years lmao this mouthpiece of mine has been stirring up a lot of trouble within the past few nights. although i'd like to nightcap with broderick, he's doing his own thing.. especially since he's newly "single" now [although you can't be what you already were =|], but of course he says otherwise. i'm only going by what he said haha but that's besides the point.. i'm going to play everything by nose.

however, i do have a strange feeling this commitment thing is going to sneak up on me.. no matter how much i despise that shit right now. the higher forces always have a way of interfering with my life.

Yeeks!

in case you're wondering about the title of this entry, 'eeks' and 'yikes' got together and had a baby named 'yeeks'. why am i saying yeeks? easy..

VALENTINE'S DAY WEEKEND. why valentine's day weekend? another easy one, especially since i spent majority of it with broderick one way or another. i didn't realize it until i was telling solis about it; i never got the chance to keep her updated lol long story short, i had xamounts of fun. i didn't expect a lot of things.. okay, wait, i'm about to lie.. i DID expect a lot of shit to happen, and it did.. AND to the point now where there is no going back. why there isn't any going back? clearly, he's already been exposed to the greatness that is my friends lol our outing at chili's makes everything a little easier now for me to either inform them i won't be with them when i'm with him or when i don't respond to phone calls/texts/BBMs.

then again.. our chili's outing wasn't even supposed to be a chili's outing, because we wanted sushi.. but that's okay though; we went for sushi the next day. i never seen anyone so excited about "perfecting" chopsticks, but it was cute.. so i can let it slide lol

awesome, right? correct.

there's only one aspect of our friendship that's got my mom completely on edge, but i think i'm going to keep those details out of the loop. it's hilarious to me, because i am 21. moth-- you know what, i'm not even going to get into that lmaoooo

in other news,

spring break is slowly creeping up on me, and i love it. just two more weeks of this school shit, and i'm OUT. OF. HERE. the girls and chris are excited, because i'm finally going to myrtle beach with them. it's their tradition, and i never had the chance to be apart of it. i am so stoked. a weekend of fun, alcohol, and shenanigans. solis and jhazmine don't drink, but chris and i probably won't even remember anything the way he's been talking hahaha

oh man..

welps.. i'm done for now. i need to get back to typing this paper of mine that's due thrusday. how exciting! [/sarcasm]

Goings On & Relationships.

thanks to the snow, and multiple status updates on facebook about how people are spending their snow days alone.. i had the most amazing epiphany: i'm totally awesome for being single by choice.

why?

it's simple..

i'm too much of a spark plug to be handled with care. yeah, sure.. i like brock, blahzay blah.. but that right there further let's me know i'm bad as fuck by myself. given the sudden situation, i already know not every dude i meet is going to be a potential boyfriend.. no matter how much we have in common. however, i will not limit myself to miss out on having choices, and i will have no qualms about him being one of them.

i'm on the 2nd semester of my third year of college. i will be a senior in the fall. shit.. need I go on? lol i just want to date freely without reporting to anyone. sure, being in a relationship is all fine and dandy.. but i refuse to tangle a man in my after college plans. i can't travel with a dude in the background. i got to do my own damn thing if i plan on being a successful graphic artist.

my mom always tells me "you never know what might happen if you meet someone you really like". sure i do. i will handle said situation accordingly lol i know me. i know what i like.. what i don't like.. etc. i'm at this point in my life where i have every right to be a bit picky. i don't think i can handle another "serious" relationship. that's time, dedication, and my heart.. i sure as hell ain't really set for that journey again lol

i want to experience the in's and out's of the wonderful world of dating, and not just limit myself to ONE. PERSON. not just yet. i might not be a multiple-choice female, but there is enough of me to go around 2010 and beyond..

2010 Gives The Best Lapdances.

since the first of the month, here's a few interesting moments so far:

it's been 25 days since i made 21, and i don't feel any older. i still feel like a big ass kid. i'm still goofy as fuck, but i'm beginning to come into my own. can you believe i'm wearing eye art and heels now? that's a big move! lol

spring classes began on the 11th, and i'm finally a junior. i got enough hours to become a senior at the end of this semester. i'm back on track, and it feels fucking awesome.

i'm supporting brad and his music. he asked me to leave a voicemail on his phone for his upcoming EP, and he used it amongst a collective of messages as part of a skit. he told me it was a big deal for him, and he appreciated it blah blah.. despite last year's shenanigans? he's a good artist.. so of course it's a given i'm all for hip-hop.

i met my male doppleganger.
his name is broderick.

long story short, my mom sold him a phone. he just got stationed to fort bragg blahzay blahzay.. she got the greenlight to give me his number, and i've known him for about a month now. we decide to finally meet up a day after my birthday [after talking on the phone xamountoftimes] at sports u.s.a, and holy fuck.. he's attractive =| if that didn't totally ruin my initial motive, i don't know what did. that's apparently what i get for telling my mom to not let the next cutie she sees get away lol anywho, his friends start asking me if i'm going to continue talking to him once i left back for school, and of course i fill him in on their sleuthing. i tell him how i like him, and how i like the fact that our personalities match up, the sync moments are better in person than over the phone and blah blah mushy shit i don't feel like typing.. so maybe not even a few days after i tell him all of that, he tells me he has a girlfriend..

at first i was like "huh?", but then i LOL'd. why? simply because he likes me, too.. but i mean who wouldn't? i'm awesome lmao i was bugging out a bit at the fact that he didn't say anything about being with anybody before, and he goes on to say "you didn't ask" =|

common sense tells me [since i've been single for a year], if your body language doesn't hint that you're with someone? YOU'RE. SINGLE. wait.. i just realized all of that is besides the point lol point is, because i like him as a person and whatnot, it's a given i'm going to hang out with him. i respect his relationship, and i'm not the type of female to be all over a guy if they're in a relationship.. but rest assure that if he makes a move? i'm in there like swimwear! lmao

*sigh*

this has been my month in a bundle. eventful, right? i still don't think i've covered everything.. in the meantime though, i'm about to go to the campus grocery store and get some food since it's suppose to be snowing this weekend lol

ciao. ♥